What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Would this be the day?

How do I explain to my husband that my 19-year-old son has accidentally gotten me pregnant?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Especially a lifetime of it.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

But ive been too sick for many years..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I was very sick at this time too.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

All the time i was locked up.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Are vampires real?

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Ive learnt so much.

Why does it itch on my vulva, uterus, and sides of my vagina, but it doesn't itch inside the vagina?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

How are max different from medical and minimum security prisons?

I could never make a relationship work though!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

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She found it foreign!.

When she asked me how she looked .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Quia qui rem laborum itaque vel.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

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I will be 64.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

My life is so biszare .

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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She wouldn,t have been !

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I think the readers, may guess!

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

This is soul school!.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

So whats the point in blame.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I have no regrets .

I was scared of men, in general

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I was seconnd youngest,

Put me off passion for life!!

Why did i forgive my father ?

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I don,t even have a pension.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And i lived it daily.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

So, i spoilt her more .

We were not on the streets..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I write beautiful poetry .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

She was in good health!

Comes on , in middle age.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

One cannot live in the past .

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I never cut or harmed myself..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Im still living with it.

He knew the spot.

Was to survive, this bastard.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I waited trembling.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She married twice! .

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

She loved him until the end.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Who then, do I blame.?

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But, we were locked up after school.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I said to her

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

My family never makes their pension either.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

As i do to all so called friends.?

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

We all went to grammer schools

I did it because my mum asked me too!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

What did i know ?

I was 9 years of age.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

It was going to be , some day.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But it wasn’t much.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.